originally posted on Feb 4, 2009.
And yes, I still do feel this way, even living in an RV. So I guess I'm even crazier than I was last year:)
I've gone back and forth on posting this in fear of what you all will think. I know most of you already know I'm crazy, but this will for sure put me at the top of the crazy list!
I was first introduced to the quiverful movement 3 1/2 years ago. Never thought too much of it. I had 3 kids and knew we maybe wanted more. Now that I have 5 my thoughts have changed. My husband recently had a vasectomy appointment. Actually two but we missed both. On purpose. We just both didn't feel at peace with the decision to follow through with it. (I know most of you are like OH MY GOSH, she is crazy)
After Farrah#4 was born I prayed that God would take away my desire to want more children away. Deep inside I knew I wanted more children. I was just too embarrassed to admit to it. Everyone would make comments about the size of our family etc. I always felt like someone was missing. I mean at some point I have to feel complete right? There has to be a last baby sometime. (I know, I know) My husband and I prayed about what to do and soon became pregnant with #5 when Farrah was just 5 months old. We were so excited! Everyone thought for sure it wasn't planned but she was:) See, I told you I'm(were) crazy! Everyone would ask, "Are you guys done?" or just assume we were. I mean 5 kids in today's world is just plain crazzzy. I soon learned that not everyone approved of our family size. In fact my most critical comments came from my Christian friends and family. Because of these comments It caused me to think that there was something wrong with me. Why do I want so many kids? Have I really lost my mind? Am I having too many? "The world says children are a burden." God says, "Children are the greatest blessing he can give a couple." Yet, we look up and pray for no more blessings? I again prayed God would take away any desires to want more children. When Finley was born on the operating table the doctor told me it would be too dangerous for me to have more children. Was this God telling me I'm done?
All through my pregnancy my doctor would make rude comments to me about having 5 children and how that is just too many etc. etc. Her exact words to me after sewing my c-section up were: 5's the lucky number your final score put it on your car. I don't care what you do cause that's all your having. Your baby making days are over and then walked out... I just started crying. She said it in such a mean nonchalant way. She looked at me like you have 5 kids already lady why are you crying. I asked her the next day why it was too dangerous for me to have any more. She said I had too much scar tissue from having back to back c-sections. Then looked at my husband and said, "If you want to raise 6 kids alone go ahead and try again." I never did go back for my 6 week check up! I have 2 appointments with other (nice) doctors just to talk with and get second and third opinions before doing anything final.
I still long for more children but am afraid to admit it. (Oh, no did I just say that?) Call me crazy but I believe my desire comes from God. Why else would I be so crazy???
God is to be in control of EVERY area of our lives. Yet it seems when you talk to Christians, it's every area but fertility. For that, we are suppose to use our heads, be responsible, yaddy yah. Yet in everything else, we are to give over to the Lord. Why you suppose that is? I'm sorry but I struggle with this. (AM I ALONE) In my opinion I just don't think it's up to us to determine the size of our family.
I know God calls us to be stewards of our lives. There are good reasons to limit the amount of money, ministries, and even children we have. Every couple must work with God on the answers to these questions within their own family. The problem comes in when we decide, selfishly to limit the number of children we have based on our worldly desires and fail to allow God into the conversation.
"Lo, children are a heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man;so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them; they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate." Psalms 127:3-5
I guess I take these scriptures literally.
Gen. 1:28 I have found so many scriptures that speak about children. I just think Christianity is being way watered down. Generations are being more tolerant and becoming more accepting of the ways of the world.
God is the creator, the one who writes my days, and the giver of life. Satan hates life. Satan is the thief Jesus spoke of, "Who comes only to steal and destroy." His intent is the total opposite of Gods plan. Jesus said, "I have come so that they may have life, and have it to the full." As a destroyer of life I think Satan is definitely not into encouraging childbearing. I believe anything that would discourage a women from fulfilling her God given calling furthers Satan's plan.
So what is behind this movement? It can't be Satan. Why on earth would Satan be trying to populate the world with more Christians? So is it God? It would make sense that God is calling people to surrender their whole lives to Him. Is it a calling? Turning our hearts back to what He calls a blessing? I've heard people speculate on what would happen if more Christian families became QF. Just imagine how fast Christianity would be the dominate religion if every Christian family was QF and all their children were QF for generations on while the rest of the world continues to decline in fertility having just 1.4 children per couple. Wouldn't take that many generations eh?
I know this is foolishness for some. Some would say it's also foolish to abstain from premarital sex. We think scripture teaches different. I am learning to not be ashamed to appear foolish in the eyes of the world. I'm crazy!!! But as a good friend of mine told me once that's ok Bridget your crazy for Jesus. LOL
~For wisdom of this world is foolishness with God.
IDK...sometimes I feel like it would be so easy to just follow everyone, heck even some pastors I talked to say sterilization is OK. But is it? I don't know. I'm just praying for God's will.
Whew!!!! So now that my own mother has fallen out of her chair and in fear for my life...I think I hear the phone ringing haha! I'm sure it's my mom, my grandma or my mother in law trying to talk some sense into me. I'm not gonna awnser the phone:)
There you have it. Hopefully some questions have been answered for some of you. We value your support and understand that you may feel differently about this. Please, please know that I don't think badly of anyone who uses birth control or sees differently on this than we do. As it is a personal decision between you, your husband, and God and God doesn't want the same thing for all of us.
Am I alone on thinking like this? Thoughts? Should I just move to Arkansas, maybe perm my hair ????
After telling my sister I was pregnant with #5 the next morning I found this picture in my inbox. LOL!!!! Thank you Brianna for loving me even though you think I'm crazy too:)